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After 17 years of matrimony (no kids), my wife told me she would like to open our marriage. This would mean allowing each other to sleep with other people. She says she has been doing a lot of reading about it and has a work friend who is in an open relationship and it works for her. I am outraged past the suggestion as I feel it is a major threat to our marriage. I love and value my wife way too much to allow her to take sex with other men. I know that I would be extremely jealous and could not handle information technology. She says it would be "just sex," we would make the rules in advance, no feelings involved. Information technology sounds then simple only I am not sure that is how information technology works. My wife says she has thought almost it a lot and she thinks she could handle me having intimate relations with another woman. She says the way she would approach it is with total honesty and communication to brand sure anybody feels OK virtually it. She says that either one of the states would have veto ability. I don't want to sleep with other women, believe it or not. I don't want to have to wield veto ability! I just don't get why she feels like she wants to exercise this. She says the idea would be to just "spice things upwardly" and "continue things fresh" and that she thinks it could ultimately bring us closer together. We have a smashing sex life, which I recollect she would agree with. I'm then bewildered by this. I feel like my options are: (ane) pass up to play forth and promise she can respect that and stay happy and faithful; (2) pursue a divorce; (3) let her to play exterior the matrimony while I stay truthful; or (4) both of united states try it and hope for the best. Is couples therapy another option? I recollect I would find it humiliating to tell some other person about this, and it might not fifty-fifty help anyhow. —Open up-Ended
Beloved Open up-Ended,

Thanks for your question. I tin only imagine your bewilderment and confusion; things are humming along fine and suddenly, out of nowhere, your married woman is request yous to play the "keys in the basin" game from the 1970s. It sounds like you take a strong marital connection and are completely taken aback by the question, which is understandable. I would experience the same in your shoes.

Hither is the cardinal quote, far every bit I'm concerned: "She says it would exist 'just sex,' nosotros would brand the rules in accelerate, no feelings involved. It sounds and so simple merely I am non sure that is how information technology works." Frankly, I'k not sure that it works, catamenia. To my mind there is no such thing every bit "merely sex activity." Nosotros westernized, Cartesian types seem to think nosotros can neatly dissever mind and body, but this is a conceptual fantasy that I think has to be done away with. Emotion is irreversibly intertwined with every facet of our being. Even existence extremely intellectual has emotional overtones; lack of emotion (coldness, sternness, etc.) is itself an emotion or touch on, equally nosotros say in psychology. This "no feelings involved" doesn't make sense because clearly your wife is expressing some desire (i.due east., a feeling) for a new sexual experience. The question is, why?

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Because of the intensely physical nature of sex, we tend to think of information technology equally outside the spectrum of the day-to-day relationship—its own special category. I discover, though, that the couples who relate together mate together. Sex is on a continuum that includes the mundane interactions of paying bills, housework, schedules, and so on. It puts too much pressure on a couple to take a somewhat routine being drained of spontaneity and playfulness and then look sparks in the bedroom. My hunch—from a altitude, of grade—is that your wife feels something is missing and wants to go exterior the relationship to find it. Why is that? What is she non finding between the two of you that she needs to take such an emotional adventure of bringing another partner into it? And it is a risk, no matter what anyone says. Sex activity involves desires that are unconscious, and the latter is ever a wild card (which is part of sexuality'south exciting entreatment). Of course, my attitude would exist unlike if you were in favor, but you lot're obviously strongly opposed.

Are there means in which she can express some of those desires with you? Is she afraid of hurting your feelings by not saying something or making a request for something new? Is this asking for openness a round-about way of expressing dissatisfaction? Are in that location means y'all two can "milkshake things upward" a bit in the romance and sexual activity department? A weekend abroad, a dance class, a holiday, a niggling role play? Is there a role of her she wants to allow out only is afraid? (Non to be cynical, but I almost wondered when I read your letter if she already had someone in mind.)

Yous might want to have a serious talk with your wife or even seek some couples counseling to help her understand how unhappy this idea is making you, and how rattled and bewildered y'all are in light of it. I call back y'all owe it to yourself, and the union, to practise all you tin to endeavour and seek together, rather than separately, a solution or compromise that allows you both to find satisfaction; you have that rare successful marriage that has endured for many years, and that is definitely worth protecting. It would be tragic for it to slip away due to lack of agreement or withheld feelings or desires. Thanks over again for writing.

Best,
Darren

Darren Haber

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction equally well every bit co-occurring problems such as feet, depression, human relationship concerns, secondary addictions (particularly sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in middle movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and physical and sexual abuse.

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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/my-wife-wants-an-open-marriage-i-dont-now-what

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